A Pregnant Pause...

Although I've given a lot of thought about what I'm about to write about, I know it's still not going to come out how I want it to. Because I'm talking about getting pregnant; and having trouble getting pregnant; and not getting pregnant at all; and facing unforeseen difficulties when you are pregnant. So bear with me. I'm sure it's all going to be a big long (very long!) jumbly mess, but I'm just going to type and see where it all goes.

So....

I'll start with my baby group back in Scotland, because a conversation with one of my friends from this group triggered this ramble. (That and the fact that Thanksgiving has just come and gone and, while we didn't celebrate it over here, that doesn't mean I didn't give some thought to what I'm thankful for.) Anyways, there were five of us –are five of us, it's just that two of us have since moved so the dynamic has changed (gosh I miss them!)— and the five of us alone appear to cover all ends of the aforementioned 'baby spectrum'.

The first, like me, appears to have no apparent difficulties getting pregnant, which came as a surprise to both of us. Funnily, enough, she's also due early in the new year with Number 2, also a second boy. (We were both somewhat 'relieved' the other was having a boy, because, well, you know…pink envy and all. ;-) ) Anyways, another reason we bonded is that, like me, she lost her father before he even got to know he was going to be a grandpa.

The second friend is a tad older, the oldest in our little group, and she and her husband struggled to get pregnant. She was also likely considered 'too old' for infertility treatments on the NHS, because by the time she would have been considered 'eligible' for treatment, she would have been past the age cutoff (you have to have tried to get pregnant for two years before the NHS will even consider treating you). When she got pregnant the first time, she miscarried. After roughly two more years of trying, she finally had a lovely little girl-- on the very same morning I had MF. I will always treasure the pictures I have of the two of us holding our new little bundles of joy in the hospital together. We call our babies 'the birthday twins'. But I know she and her husband would really like another one, but so far, it doesn't appear to be happening. And, sadly, there's a very good chance that it won't happen again. The past couple of times I've seen her she commented about how she couldn't begin to imagine having a baby while having an active toddler to chase after. I suspect that this is her way of coping, so I don't say anything.

The third friend in our group has some health issues, health issues that could potentially affect a baby, too, and she had a really tough time staying pregnant. She had three miscarriages before she finally had her little boy just a couple of weeks before I had MF. And now that they're trying for Number 2, she thinks she's not even ovulating. Sigh. Like our second friend, she's not holding her breath for the NHS to rush to help her, either. So I'm just hoping really hard that any fertility issues get sorted out and that she doesn't have to suffer through any more miscarriages.

The fourth friend in our group is the one who called me Friday afternoon. Her little boy is roughly two weeks younger than MF, and they had no real difficulty getting pregnant with him -- it took them about half a year. She and her husband started trying for Number Two around the time we did, but for a while it appeared that she might be suffering from endometriosis. The NHS put her on a not-short waiting list to check this out, so they had it checked out privately. Luckily, it seemed the worrying was for naught, because she was calling me today to tell me she had good news and some bad news that she wanted to talk about. Well, I knew instantly that the 'good news' was she was pregnant; and she was. She's almost three months pregnant as I write. I also knew instinctively that the 'bad news' was related to the pregnancy; and it was.

It seems that her nuchal fold test results just came back and the numbers weren't very good. (This is a test where the doctors look at the amount of fluid in the baby's neck and take blood work from the mom to calculate the chances of Downs.) So she was understandably worried and wanted to talk, about the pregnancy in general and about the amnio she's scheduled for a month from now. And, well, she knows that I had amnio with both MF and Baby Boo, not because my test numbers were poor but because I'm one of those 'need to know' people. She also knows that I'm fiercely pro-choice and pro-letting people make their own decisions for themselves and their families. I don't believe that anyone has the right to impose their personal and/or religious beliefs on others; live your life and let others live theirs.

Anyways…

We talked about the procedure itself and what it shows definitively and what it doesn't. And she asked about the doctor in Scotland who did my first amnio. And she mentioned that she'd been offered CVS testing, but the sound of it had made her uneasy so she was opting for the amnio. (I told her I felt she'd made the right decision to go with her gut, especially because CVS has only been offered in Scotland for the past year or so (we'd checked when I was pregnant with MF), so no one has a lot of practice with the procedure yet there. And, no, the NHS didn't bother to provide her with that little piece of information either. Sigh.) Finally, we talked about how the odds for a chromosomally healthy baby were still strongly in her favor, something that's really, really important to remember as she waits for the next round of testing, because she's already worrying a bit. Really, who wouldn't? Odds are the baby is fine. Perfectly fine. But, admittedly, based on the nuchal results, there is a small chance that there's a problem. And if that turns out to be the case, it is at that point, I told her, when she and her husband have to ignore everybody else and do what's best for them and their family. If that means continue with the pregnancy, that's their decision. If that means terminate the pregnancy, that's their decision as well.

I think this is why she called me. No, I know this is why she called me. It's what she needed to hear and there's no one else to say it to her right now. Because practically no one outside her family knows she's pregnant yet, including the rest of our baby group. And her parents are rather religious. And Scotland has a reputation of being rather narrow minded when it comes to abortion. And she doesn't really want to tell anyone else she's pregnant until after the amnio results are in. But the amnio is a month away, scheduled right before Christmas (another fun layer of stress that she doesn't need), and she's a bit worried about 'showing'. And traveling and chasing after their 18 month old after having the amnio and waiting for the results which can take up to two weeks.

When she asked me how I decided 'who' to tell I was pregnant before I had my amnio results back, I told her my basic rule of thumb was to only tell people that I wouldn't mind having to tell later that I'd lost the baby for whatever reason. As for everyone else? They were told when I felt secure in the pregnancy. She agreed that sounded like a good place to start, so I told her to wear layers –it's winter after all- and no one would be the wiser right now. As for the upcoming holiday madness, I suggested she let her husband chase and carry the boy around as much as possible for the day or two after the actual amnio. And to just enjoy being with family.

At the end of our conversation, I made a point of congratulating her again on her pregnancy and suggested she try not to dwell on the negative for the next month. It wouldn't change anything; and, again, the odds were strongly in favor of there not being anything wrong. And the worrying wouldn't do her or the baby any good. Hopefully, I'm going to get up there to see her before the next round of testing. I promised to let her know as soon as we knew when we were coming.

So of course this weekend I've thought quite a bit about what my friend is going through. It can be hard not to worry about the unknown. I know this. Although most people would never guess, (because I generally try to positive for everyone else), I am a worrier by nature. When I was pregnant with MF, I learned strange and uncomfortable stats and about all the worst-case scenarios so I could feel prepared. (And slightly tortured my husband in the process, but well, what can you do….) Maybe I really am just strange. But, well, it worked for me. And I've been a bit calmer this time around.

Then I really started thinking about fertility in general. And infertility. And fertility with ensuing problems. I read a few blogs and websites that talk about all these things. Not because I can personally relate (to date, knock on wood) with infertility or ensuing problems such as miscarriages or chromosomal defects, but because I have friends and family, like those above, who have faced these issues. Or who are facing these issues. And reading blogs by people that are living with these issues have probably helped keep me from saying some really stupid things at times. I have a lot of friends who have been in the 'to try and have a baby or not try and have a baby' stage of life for some time. And their stories cover the spectrum as well as my Scottish baby group.

Some have had no difficulty getting pregnant.

Some have had a hell of a struggle.

Some never wanted children.

Some thought they'd never get the chance to have children due to relationship failures.

Some had pretty much given up hope of finding the right person and having a family of their own, only to be happily surprised when it all magically came together for them out of the blue. (I fall into this group myself.)

One friend, who had been trying to get pregnant for a couple of years, discovered she had breast cancer in the middle of it all and the cancer treatments she underwent wiped out any chance of getting pregnant. Happily, she bounced back from the cancer and the disappointment, accepted it, and looked at other ways of becoming the mom she's always wanted to be. She's currently in the process of adopting a little girl from China, and I couldn't be more delighted and thrilled for her.

One of my very best friends back home in the states took two to three years to get pregnant. She and her husband started trying even before I met my husband. And there we were, whirlwind romance, engaged 6 months after meeting, and deliberately pregnant a few short weeks after that. It was when we went back to the states to get married that she told me they'd been trying for a while. She was absolutely delighted for me, she really and truly was, but I couldn’t' help but feel sad because I knew they'd make wonderful parents. I also felt a little guilty because G and I had had it so easy in that department. Happily, a month or so after G and I got married, she contacted me with the happy news that they were finally expecting. They now have a lovely little girl who's five months younger than MF.

Then there's G's sister. While G and his sister get on pretty well, the subject of infertility has never actually been discussed. But it has come up around the edges of the family, and comments about difficulties getting pregnant have been made, most notably by their mother. (Sigh.) His sister and her husband have two absolutely lovely girls, MF's cousins. We absolutely adore them. But we know it took a long time before they had the first one. And another six years went by before they had the second one. And she was a surprise –a delightful surprise—but a surprise nonetheless. Because it looked like it wasn't going to happen again for them. And G and I have politely ignored a couple of pointed comments she has made about how she didn't even consider testing for any problems with her second pregnancy, even though she was in her early 40s at the time. Why? Because we absolutely agree that that was her decision to make, just as we had the right to choose otherwise.

Finally, there's my sister. My sister is smart, motivated, compassionate, interesting, fun, pretty, and a wonderful godmother and auntie to MF. And she's in her mid-30s and still single. And it's not for lack of desiring a relationship. She would really love to find someone to love and marry and have children of her own with, but it just hasn't happened. And it seems so unfair, because I know how great she is. I know she's kicked around the idea of adopting on her own, but, after spending time with my family, I think she realized that being a single parent would be extremely difficult financially and time-wise. The logistics of being a single parent are just mind-boggling --- I know people do it, but wow! It can't be easy! And it's not what she really wants to do. She wants someone to share it all with, and who can blame her? So all I can do is just hope she meets someone worthy of her, someone who wants these things, too, because she deserves to have this if this is what she wants.

So where does this leave me? Ok. I know it's not really about me. I'll try again.

How about, where does this lead me?

I'm not really sure.

I do know that G and I are thrilled to be nearing the end of our second pregnancy. And a little scared as well, because we know things are about to change for us. A lot. And we know that our friends and family are happy for us, delighted even. But I also know that the relative ease of our pregnancies have been a big reminder to some of how hard it has been for them. And I am aware of this, sometimes more acutely than at other times. At times such as…

…during my conversation with my friend on Friday.

…when I talk to my friends who are trying to get pregnant but not having much success.

…watching my sister play with my son, her godson.

At the tail end of this Thanksgiving weekend, even way over here in the UK, I guess I'm just feeling really thankful for what I have. What G and I have. I just wish that it didn't have to be so hard for those I know and love to have, too.


{Oh, and before I sign off, I would just like to say two things. First, this turned out to be a very long post, and for my three readers that hung in there and actually read it: wow! I hope I didn't bore you to tears. Second, I know that there are a couple of potential major landmines in this post that could attract some very, very negative comments. Therefore, I respectfully request that if you don't have something nice to say or something respectful to contribute, please back away from my 'comments' section and go elsewhere. Thank you.}